I am a baby when it comes to balancing full time ministry and family. We’ve been officially in full-time ministry for about 18 months now, so entering the toddler phase wobbling around, I have so much yet to grow. I felt it on my heart to write my thoughts thus far!
For families in full-time ministry, the saying is always this:
God 1st, family 2nd, ministry 3rd
As good as this sounds, I might not fully agree. It is hard to even measure that, because then how many hours would God get? How many hours just for family, and then for ministry? Do hours count or does the way we treat each other count (character)? Can God, family & ministry be a perfect harmony as one? I would actually say for a “formula” if I had to make one: God 1st, God 2nd and God 3rd. Matthew 6:33 says: But seek first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. I’ve learned in my relationship with Him that He can’t be put in a box and He isn’t placed in a perfect formula. He (should) be part of everything we do. Have we tried this “formula” in the past? Yes, and it has failed because it was a religious formula.
Taking Priya on a one-on-one! Yes, she got a babyccino! (at Stoker in Maroochydoore)
The key is to be aware and act right away when our marriage is getting neglected, or sense our kids feel neglected.
There was a short time where we felt like we were dragging our kids to everything and they were being pushed aside for ministry, and we started to see them rebel. I started to notice myself yelling at my kids for something, and then the next minute going off to mentor someone and acting super sweet and kind. I would never call myself bi-polar, but sometimes I believe I can be hypocritical in how I treat others verses my own family. There was also a time when our marriage started to get stagnant and needed some attention. Instead of forgiving quickly, I allowed bitterness to linger. There have been times where Timothy and I were fighting, and then the next hour we are teaching and acting as if nothing has happened. This was more the earlier years when Timothy was a youth pastor, but still happens from time to time. We should never turn on or off God, He’s not a button to be pushed. He always wants us to check our hearts and motives with everything.
God has challenged me lately with my character and whether or not it stays consistent as a mother, a wife, a friend, a mentor or teacher. Do I reflect the fruit of the spirit (love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control) continually from the moment I wake up to the moment I fall asleep in whatever situation and whoever I am faced with that day?
If the answer is no, then there is something seriously wrong in the area of my soul and needs an enormous check. Sometimes it takes drastic measures like fasting or taking some time away to search our hearts and ask God to help us. Are we dead to ourselves? Romans 6 says: For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body ruled by sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin— because anyone who has died has been set free from sin. When things are getting neglected on the home front, we need to make some major decisions to prevent divorce, kids turning away from God or living a life of complacency and/or hypocrisy.
Recently, I have been humbled by major heart work that is needed. How can I look like the same Jonali I was back when I first got saved in 2001? Isn’t the whole point of being a Christian to look like Christ? We are at war and the enemy loves to attack marriage & family. The thief comes in to kill, steal and destroy, but God comes to give life and give it abundantly (John 10:10). We need to be aware of the schemes of the enemy and realize: Our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. (Ephesians 6:12)
How do we as the Bulsiewicz family function in full-time ministry? Timothy and I are both active, it’s not just one of us. We also do it as a family since we home school. I’ve chosen to start waking up around 5:30 to have time with God, which means getting to bed by 9:30. There (usually) is no compromise here. When I had babies, of course this wasn’t possible, but it is only a season, mothers. My early mornings right now are spent homeschooling my son starting around 7 and ending by 8:30. We then go to the base and Timothy will take Elijah to read in an office, and I will take Priya into class with me as she does some activities in the back. We have chosen to home school as a personal decision because of its flexibility with traveling. Sometimes, Timothy will take Priya into early morning to prayer while I home school Elijah, then do a daddy/daughter date breakfast. Timothy will also go fishing with Elijah at a river just before we have dinner with the students and I will take Priya as I mentor a girl at a playground or coffee shop. When we go out and do evangelism with the students a few evenings a week, we will bring the kids with us so that they learn how to love people along side of us. We do it all the time anyway, so its important to model that we don’t just “do ministry” at set times, but that it is our lifestyle and we always look for opportunities to bless people! We do stretch their bed time on those evenings as we don’t get home until closer to 9:30. We realize we need to be flexible, I think going to Africa with the kids for 2 months ago really taught us a lot about flexibility. I think schedules are important and there is a balance, but its important to be sensitive to the spirit too and if God is moving, schedules can and should be adjusted. If there is an opportunity to travel, we pray and see if Timothy should just go (as he will go to Africa later this year) or if we should go together as a family and ask God to provide (we all went to India last December).
Priya helping clean windows in one of the vans we use to drive students around
As parents, we value character for our children the most, because if Elijah was at the top of his class, or the smartest kid in the world, but he was selfish, mean and angry at the same time, then I would say we have failed completely as parents. We need to model what we want to see in our kids. We need to be the same person to them as we are in front of others. The last thing I would ever want is our kids to think we are hypocrites. We do try to guard a day or two a week where it is just us as a family. We sometimes go to a local park, or have a movie/pizza night. The ministry work we do is not an 8-5/M-F schedule. It is very sporadic and comes in the form of last minute mentoring or late night dinners or bringing someone flowers, just because. Timothy and I need to support each other with every decision we make. Lately he has been going out at night to minister to the homeless, so of course I stay home with the kids, or if I want blog or write emails, he will watch both kids. We have a mutual understanding so that we don’t get bitter with one another and if there is an issue we discuss it straight away.
Priya sitting in SOM (School of Missions) class
Elijah sitting with Timothy in SOM (School of Missions) class
Like I said, it has taken some time to get into a groove, and our schedule might look totally different in 6 months, but we finally sense there is a beautiful harmony of God, ministry and family at the moment, or should I just say, God, God & God? The important thing is to constantly check in and be aware when things start to get in disarray. The most important thing is to have a solid relationship with Christ so that He can highlight areas where we need growth. When I look at some of the superhero’s in the faith who have a healthy marriage and see their children grow up to love the Lord, and I realize that their key is to never compromise on surrender and obedience to God and to always put Him first. I hope that when I am in my 50s or 60s, I can say that I never compromised in these areas in the life of ministry, so that one day God can say to me, well done, good and faithful servant! It is indeed a journey, but a gorgeous one if we allow it to be!